i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
