It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
