did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
