They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
