How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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