My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
