***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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