Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
