The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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