I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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