"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
