Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
