# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize