Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
