I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
