According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
