Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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