just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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