I feel like abortions should bother me more
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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