Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize