i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
