Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
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