What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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