Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
