Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
