so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
