I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
