We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
