I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
