How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize