16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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