gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
