mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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