So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You were trust falling into bushes
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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