well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
