found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
