I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
