Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
