I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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