apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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