dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize