Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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