i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
