Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
