At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
