My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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