I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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