You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
