a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We left the knife in your bed.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
