i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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