Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
