she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Randomize
