No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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