the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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