the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize