I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
