in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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