He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
