I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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