the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize