I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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