Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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