I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
