just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
