i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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