I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
