Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
my poor anus
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
